Let’s face it, if you’re reading this then you probably fall broadly into one of these categories:
1- Corporate Drone: You live to serve the machine. You’re entire conformist life is dedicated to making money for the big man who got you to believe that by doing so you’re going to become rich and famous one day. So you hopelessly live your dreadful routine existence on the hope that one day you will progress in life to become a big man yourself and enslave drones under you. Statistically you have less of a chance in doing that than winning the lottery, but still you will probably write essays and seminars on why no one should ever waste time playing the lottery because they will never win, not realising my fellow drone that you are in fact locked in this cosmic earthly lottery yourself with meager hope of winning.
2- Corporate Whore: You have transcended your miser drone level and took strides in proving that by sucking that goat of a boss’s (ehem) socceralls (did I say that right?), then you will achieve win you’re life. Your decision to live your days (including weekends and bank holidays) in the office generating work that would have otherwise gone unnoticed is perpetually injudicious to your sanity, yet you are not in that realm anymore, so you continue to feed the corporate monster fuel at unhumanly levels.
3- Free Soul who might (or not) know someone who fits in the above: exactly!
Assuming that you’re here and not there (what?!) then you are probably very interested in knowing the warning signs that you are shapeshifting from a drone to a whore. You’re in luck, behold, these are the signs.
Signs you are becoming a corporate whore:
1- You start participating passionately in corporate networking events. You’re diary has at least one upcoming corporate sponsored mixer in the next month and you can’t wait. You’ve already ordered that tailored suit from T.M-Lewin or some other drone clothes outlet, heck you might even have considered renting that special suit from MossBros. You’re already googling whose attending and browsing their corporate history, perhaps this is your chance to throw that killer one liner that will get you in the big game. You’ll most probably leave that event all the less wiser, but it’s not a problem, the next one is in 4 weeks, time to practice you’re one-liners again!
2- In the past week or two you have deliberately sent your boss an email after hours in the vein hope that they might notice you’re staying in the office late.
3- You’re filled with excitement on Monday mornings and can’t wait to find out what your boss and fellow drones did in their horrible weekends.
4- In the past year you have started a blog related to your line of work filled with re-published material from already established blogs and boast you are so magnificent for finding it. You die to share your blog with your co-drones, at times you have considered adding it to your email signature.
5- Your email signature tells your life story. It’s not enough to tell people your name and number, you have to provide at least 3-5 links to your LinkedIn, twitter and some obscure niche social network that shows you are “different”.
6- You spend hours every day optimizing your LinkedIn account, fill it with corporate jargon and shameless self-promotion. This is your shrine so you might as well make it as holy as possible so your visitors feel your technological evangelism flowing from your cheesy avatar.
7- The most exciting part of your day is getting CCed in an email in a subject of your expertise. You will then spend the next hour devising the perfect email, only to be told later that no one read it and be heart-broken.
8- Your boss leaves at 5 and expects you to leave at 8 but you love it, how else can you expect a glowing reference when you move up the drone levels. You then spend the extra three hours figuring out how to show your boss that these were the most productive 3 hours of your week. So you (do number 2).
9- Lunch breaks? say what? You haven’t had one in years. You rely on one of your other co-drones to grab you a Turkey sub from the store, you can’t waste precious corporate minutes eating, so you leave it on your desk and eat it at 6 when you realize the office is now empty and you are the only one there.
10- You’ve never been in a rush hour, you’re always in the office earlier than the sunshine and leave just when the building is about to close (you’ve already gotten locked in the building before).
11- You spend your free time thinking of ways and strategies to get a promotion. Your top ten bookmarks all have the words (geek, tech and career) in them.
12- You check your work email 8 times a minute during office hours, and at least 5 times an hour when you are back home.
13- New year resolutions? Getting scrum certified, everyone knows thats where the market is heading, might as well capitalize on the agile revolution.
14- You fully use your company’s annual corporate book allowance and buy books relating to your field. You might not read them, but you proudly display them on your desk for all to see.
15- Biggest news this year? You got a new 22 inch monitor for your awesome desk. You are winning.
And so my brethren, if you feel you relate to at least 5 of the points I mentioned above then my commiserations, you have become a corporate whore and sold your soul to the devil. All of that said, there are exceptions to the rules, and if you lead you’re life asking the following question then all of the above becomes moot:
What Would Don Draper Do?
Enjoy the toon and drink to your miserable existence, we are all in this together!