Folks, I’ve been baffled by this conundrum posited by the great San Diego’s KVWN-TV Channel 4 Evening News’s field reporter Brian Fantana in the bible of a movie that is ‘Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy’ around 3/4 of a decade ago and I’ve decided it’s about time we address this highly politically charged revolution-inducing issue once and for all.
Let us firstly look at the direct excerpt from the movie:
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I’ll give this little cookie an hour before we’re doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard’s Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.
Ron Burgundy: It’s quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn’t make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well… Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
The logic behind this statement is the following:
In a pool of randomly chosen women, a man who has musked up with Sex Panther (a cologne illegal in 9 countries and made with bits of real panther, so we know it’s good) will guarantee that from that pool at least 60% will be 100% attracted to the musked man.
However, on a second glance, this cannot be the full premise, as Ron Burgundy himself notes “that doesn’t make any sense”. This means that another deeper re-evaluation of the statement needs to be conducted!
Deeper Re-evaluation that NEEDS to be conducted:
For starters, let’s look at the second part of the statement ‘it works every time’. This implies a definitive result, 100% of the time, so there is no room for failure and any man on sex panther will get action regardless of the 60%. So why the need to mention the 60% in their advertising. Are Sex Panther hiding something here? How could they have gotten away with it? And if so, what could it be? Also, did I forget to wear my pants this morning?
In theory, Sex Panther have not disclosed how their testing was done, one wouldn’t be sent to bedlam if they proclaimed that it is at least a slight possibility that Sex Panther might have included non-humans in that study. Taking that into account, could Brian Fantana actually be saying that 60% of the time, a living thing on Sex Panther will get females of ANY other living species 100% of the time?
In reality it actually makes perfect sense, because what Brian Fantana is actually hinting at is that 60% of ALL time (till infinity and beyond), it will work 100% of ALL the time. And as you know from your mathematics class:
where x is all time.
Therefore, one must come to the conclusion that as time approaches infinity, you will continue to have a 100% chance of attracting 60% of all living things of all time, which practically means everything you know, statistically.
Sex Panther is therefore a very dangerous potentially fatal tool, pungent enough to smell like Indian food in a used diaper but also musky enough to make the females of an unknown number of species (even potentially including humans) fall at your knees with deadly desire. It is therefore highly un-recommended and most probably kill you (don’t want to be eaten by a female Lioness). My advice would be to stick to lamer but safer alternatives such as London Gentleman or Blackbeard’s Delight and you could (further studies might need to be conducted here) be fine.