Case Study – Sex Panther: 60% Of the Time, It Works All The Time?!

Folks, I’ve been baffled by this conundrum posited by the great San Diego’s KVWN-TV Channel 4 Evening News’s field reporter Brian Fantana in the bible of a movie that is ‘Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy’ around 3/4 of a decade ago and I’ve decided it’s about time we address this highly politically charged revolution-inducing issue once and for all.

Let us firstly look at the direct excerpt from the movie:

Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I’ll give this little cookie an hour before we’re doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard’s Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.
Ron Burgundy: It’s quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time. 
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn’t make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well… Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]

Analysis:

The logic behind this statement is the following:

Wise yet baffling advertising, has Sex Panther fooled us?!

In a pool of randomly chosen women, a man who has musked up with Sex Panther (a cologne illegal in 9 countries and made with bits of real panther, so we know it’s good) will guarantee that from that pool at least 60% will be 100% attracted to the musked man.

However, on a second glance, this cannot be the full premise, as Ron Burgundy himself notes “that doesn’t make any sense”. This means that another deeper re-evaluation of the statement needs to be conducted!

Deeper Re-evaluation that NEEDS to be conducted:

Sex Panther ... in action

Could this camel have musked up with Sex Panther? We may never know!

For starters, let’s look at the second part of the statement ‘it works every time’. This implies a definitive result, 100% of the time, so there is no room for failure and any man on sex panther will get action regardless of the 60%. So why the need to mention the 60% in their advertising. Are Sex Panther hiding something here? How could they have gotten away with it? And if so, what could it be? Also, did I forget to wear my pants this morning?

In theory, Sex Panther have not disclosed how their testing was done, one wouldn’t be sent to bedlam if they proclaimed that it is at least a slight possibility that Sex Panther might have included non-humans in that study. Taking that into account, could Brian Fantana actually be saying that 60% of the time, a living thing on Sex Panther will get females of ANY other living species 100% of the time?

Brian Fantana’s cologne cabinet, never seizes to impress Ron Burgundy.

In reality it actually makes perfect sense, because what Brian Fantana is actually hinting at is that 60% of ALL time (till infinity and beyond), it will work 100% of ALL the time. And as you know from your mathematics class:

where x is all time.

Therefore, one must come to the conclusion that as time approaches infinity, you will continue to have a 100% chance of attracting 60% of all living things of all time, which practically means everything you know, statistically.

Conclusion

Blackbeard’s Delight … a safer alternative.

Sex Panther is therefore a very dangerous potentially fatal tool, pungent enough to smell like Indian food in a used diaper but also musky enough to make the females of an unknown number of species (even potentially including humans) fall at your knees with deadly desire. It is therefore highly un-recommended and most probably kill you (don’t want to be eaten by a female Lioness). My advice would be to stick to lamer but safer alternatives such as London Gentleman or Blackbeard’s Delight and you could (further studies might need to be conducted here) be fine.

Fiat: We are all fine with Sexual assault now!

Fiat: Mamma mia!!

Folks, I don’t know about you, but last I checked (which was last evening), we were not all fine with the idea of hoards of horny young men chasing women in their cars and physically removing them from the vehicle like a prey (and breaking into dance). Sounds grotesque? Tell that to Fiat, whose new commercial sees ‘Jenny from the block’ driving around in a Fiat 500 while being chased by hundreds of men, the ad then takes an interesting twist when she gets pulled out of the car, and breaks into dance?! I’m sorry my Italian friends, but in real life that could have very well taken a turn for the worse (Lara Logan anyone?), just sayin…

Maybe that’s just Jenny’s new idea of getting over her divorce, maybe it’s just her midlife crisis, maybe I left the oven on in the kitchen yesterday and it could even be that Zombies are real. In any case, here it is:

In Lebanon, they use trucks for advertising…

A green solution to our creative problems - Beirut leads the way again

Greetings mumble jumblers and aspiring creative Gods, I have just come back from a mind and body nourishing trip to the land of the Cedars filled with bionic encounters and alien chases, but I’ll come back to that later.

Moments after exiting Beirut‘s esteemed airport I was struck by this extremely innovative, environmentally friendly, green private initiative from Beirut advertising moguls (pilocks) Skyline advertising. What an absolutely marvelous solution to Lebanon’s unlife-like cluster banging traffic infested roads I said to myself, who needs to worry about Lebanon’s increasingly deteriorating environmental status, everyone knows those statistics are for Philistines anyways…

Dayum, these guys do politics too!

So these trucks roam around Beirut’s highways at all times (isn’t there laws against trucks going on roads during the day anyways?) and spew their corporate bullshit onto the otherwise ambivalent Lebanese commuters stuck in the eternal quantum loop that is Beirut congestion.

Meanwhile, as I marvel at this illuminating discovery I caught a glimpse of the continuum transfunctioner doppelgänger in the corner of my eye as it was carried around at near the speed of light by the mysterious femaliens that I encountered on the Belftort in Brugge. “Stop, give me back my phone” I bemoaned as they looked at me with disdain and vanished into the ether while I was left behind distraught. Maybe it’s about time I hired one of those trucks and pled my case, it’s just a phone mean femaliens!!

Days later, District Funk’s end of year mixtape went online (dedicated to Mr Gil Scott-Heron who we lost in 2011), and my faith in humanity (and aliens) was restored!