Case Study – Sex Panther: 60% Of the Time, It Works All The Time?!

Folks, I’ve been baffled by this conundrum posited by the great San Diego’s KVWN-TV Channel 4 Evening News’s field reporter Brian Fantana in the bible of a movie that is ‘Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy’ around 3/4 of a decade ago and I’ve decided it’s about time we address this highly politically charged revolution-inducing issue once and for all.

Let us firstly look at the direct excerpt from the movie:

Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I’ll give this little cookie an hour before we’re doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard’s Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.
Ron Burgundy: It’s quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time. 
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn’t make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well… Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]

Analysis:

The logic behind this statement is the following:

Wise yet baffling advertising, has Sex Panther fooled us?!

In a pool of randomly chosen women, a man who has musked up with Sex Panther (a cologne illegal in 9 countries and made with bits of real panther, so we know it’s good) will guarantee that from that pool at least 60% will be 100% attracted to the musked man.

However, on a second glance, this cannot be the full premise, as Ron Burgundy himself notes “that doesn’t make any sense”. This means that another deeper re-evaluation of the statement needs to be conducted!

Deeper Re-evaluation that NEEDS to be conducted:

Sex Panther ... in action

Could this camel have musked up with Sex Panther? We may never know!

For starters, let’s look at the second part of the statement ‘it works every time’. This implies a definitive result, 100% of the time, so there is no room for failure and any man on sex panther will get action regardless of the 60%. So why the need to mention the 60% in their advertising. Are Sex Panther hiding something here? How could they have gotten away with it? And if so, what could it be? Also, did I forget to wear my pants this morning?

In theory, Sex Panther have not disclosed how their testing was done, one wouldn’t be sent to bedlam if they proclaimed that it is at least a slight possibility that Sex Panther might have included non-humans in that study. Taking that into account, could Brian Fantana actually be saying that 60% of the time, a living thing on Sex Panther will get females of ANY other living species 100% of the time?

Brian Fantana’s cologne cabinet, never seizes to impress Ron Burgundy.

In reality it actually makes perfect sense, because what Brian Fantana is actually hinting at is that 60% of ALL time (till infinity and beyond), it will work 100% of ALL the time. And as you know from your mathematics class:

where x is all time.

Therefore, one must come to the conclusion that as time approaches infinity, you will continue to have a 100% chance of attracting 60% of all living things of all time, which practically means everything you know, statistically.

Conclusion

Blackbeard’s Delight … a safer alternative.

Sex Panther is therefore a very dangerous potentially fatal tool, pungent enough to smell like Indian food in a used diaper but also musky enough to make the females of an unknown number of species (even potentially including humans) fall at your knees with deadly desire. It is therefore highly un-recommended and most probably kill you (don’t want to be eaten by a female Lioness). My advice would be to stick to lamer but safer alternatives such as London Gentleman or Blackbeard’s Delight and you could (further studies might need to be conducted here) be fine.

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Album in History: Shakatak – Night Birds

'Night Birds' - Sounds ahead of their time (from space?)

In the long, diverse and sometimes even seemingly pedantic world of Jazz history there have been certain artists that have gone on to be so instrumental in expanding and diversifying the genre that they have created sub-genres solely revolving around their sounds. And while obvious names like Herbie Hancock, George Duke, Frank Zappa and Bob James immediately spring to mind, other relatively low-key performers like Shakatak have been just as influential. It is that very notion which makes defining Shakatak’s sound such a difficult task, not that I believe in “defining” and “labelling” sounds anyways!

After the racially fuelled disco-demotion nights, which exposed deep social problems that characterized much of the late 70s / early 80s period in mainstream America, a sound which fused the four on the floor electronic time signatures with elements of jazz, funk and disco was born, we now refer to it as post-Disco! At the time it was just a natural reaction to a movement characterized by its rejection to the notion that cultural America was changing, and that racism and homophobia were on the decline! Counterculture was taking over the American youth, culminating in anti-globalization collectives which had already established itself in the 60s largely as a youth movement sprawling from the disenfranchised social fabric destroyed initially by Nixon and later the Raegen years, or as brother Gil Scott-Heron called him, Rae-gun!

Musically, this was perfect fertile grounds to develop Disco, which hate-riddled demolition nights aside, wasn’t really developing all that much as it was. That’s not to say that several offshoot genres hadn’t already taken a life of their own by then. Giorgio Moroder had already developed his own brand of Hi-NRG Disco (exemplified in his collaborations with Donna Summers), and kids in Detroit and Chicago were listening to Kraftwerk and already discovered that 808s and 303s are more than just pretty Japanese machines that make robot sounds. What the disco demolition nights did however, was exponentially speed up that process, and in a matter of years dance music witnessed arguably its greatest evolution to date.

In England, that change was profoundly felt, and while in the later years of the 80s it was manifested in the meteoric rise of Synthpop, especially in northern parts, Jazz-Funk was the genre of the moment in the early to mid-years of the decade. ‘Night Birds’ in many ways exemplified that era, yet somehow came at a time when Jazz-Funk was both quite unknown to the wider public and largely rejected from Jazz’s inner-circle. Smooth Jazz pioneer Bob James faced similar objections from the Jazz community when One, Two, Three and BJ4 were released, even though he never claimed them to be Jazz in the first place!

‘Night Birds’ as an album achieved limited commercial success initially despite it’s quite obvious pop connection (and one hell of an awesome cover art work!). But this was never about sales, what makes this album so special is the ineffably rich compositions and instrumental innovativeness spearheaded by the band’s pianist Bill Sharpe. George Anderson on the other hand provided that killer brass so evident in Streetwalkin’. A spectacularly well harmonized eclectic album with just the right amount vocal hooks covers everything from early day Bossa jazz to swanky jazz-funk, which it largely put on the map!


Shakatak – Streetwalkin’ – Kay’s ‘One Very Cold Yet Funky Morning’ Edit

Occupying London

Occupy London

Folks, I’ve been part of a highly righteous crew occupying the heart of London town, just outside of St Paul’s catherdral since last Saturday. This has been the most amazing and inspiring time of my life, I’ve made lifelong friends and what is sure to be an instant police watch record! But all that aside, the OccupyLSX protest’s cause is one which is very close to my heart.

I’ve blogged about my experiences so far here, also made a couple of interviews here and there. If you’re in London and would like to participate in a movement that is signaling the need for a global change, greater regulation of the banking system, stronger accountabilty to both the politicians and the bankers, and a more fair and just society then pop along to our now extermly advanced camp outside of St Paul’s churchyard. Our camp now has enough infrastructure to run a small town! We have an amazing 24/7 kitchen with a constant supply of food and drinks, recycling points, an awesome media hub with wifi access streaming our movements to the world powered by two generators, a music area, toilets, supplies tent and a first aid area. Also it would be a great chance to meet!

Our Awesome Kitchen

You may even get to meet these guys! They gave us free breakfast.

Giving us the grooves!